Chapter 1: Conceiving

10/26/2012

They claim it’s impossible to feel your presence because you are just a twinkle in the sky, but I do. I don’t know whether you are buried deep within the warmth of my body or if you are still playing peek-a-boo in those oversized clouds, but I do feel you now.
I saw your perfectly round face as I laid waiting for daylight to break. You were so precious and the perfect dream, you completed me. I hope our friend the stork will bring us the news that a little bundle will be arriving soon, because ever since I saw you I knew I just couldn’t wait to meet you.

Dear Baby B,
No one knows that your daddy and I are attempting to make you (I’ll explain what that means when you’re much older). We want everyone to be surprised. You see they don’t expect to hear of your arrival for two more years. But, don’t worry they will be happy you are here. You’re just what this family needs.

You’re probably wondering why we call you Baby B. Well, we don’t know if you will be a boy or a girl, but either way we have the perfect name. So whether you are Blake Austin of Brookelynn Jayde we will love you just the same.

Mommy was scared for so long to have a baby like you but just about a week ago I had a dream that changed everything. There are two very special people with you in heaven waiting to send you here to us and they visited me in my dreams, your great Uncle Scott and your Grandpa Rick. Uncle Scott said you were meant for me and I shouldn’t be scared because everything would be okay. So here we are today.

Right now you’re just a twinkle in my eyes, but your story starts with me. Let me tell you a little bit about who your mommy is. I’m 26 years old and live the life every girl should have. I have been married to your daddy for three years now and he spoils me rotten (I’ll tell you more about him later). I’m not sure what you would like to know about me but how about we start with what I look like, after all you may inherit some of my genes (I’m secretly hoping that you do…ssshhh don’t tell daddy!).

I have dark chocolate colored eyes and hair with fair porcelain skin. Some people think I look like Snow White (I’ll read you that story one day I’m sure). I’m stubborn, sassy, and intelligent. I just graduated Summa Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Communication with an emphasis in Marketing and Business Sales (Sounds fancy, huh?). I hope you’ll go to college someday too.

I’m very creative and I’m already designing your room in my head. I’m sure it will be a master piece and a very special place for us to spend time together. Its crazy how I already love you more than the whole wide world and back again and you’re not even here yet, but you will be soon enough. –XOX!

10/28/2012

Dear Baby B,
Every day that passes I get more anxious than the last (I don’t have patients for surprises). I just want to feel your presence here on earth. I took a pregnancy test yesterday just to be sure we got your due date more accurate when you do decide to make a home here with us. I think I was hoping you already were here (Even though I just stopped my birth control).

The hardest part about waiting for you is not being able to tell your Grandma. She is my best friend and we share everything, but I want her to be surprised too. I hope that we will have that type of relationship too. No matter where you are or what you do I’ll always be there for you.

You will love your Grandma, she is very special. She will be the best grandmother in the world and will spoil you with love and affection (probably things too). You will be one lucky baby with this family.

I’ve been really tired today, I have heard it’s an early sign of pregnancy before a test would even read positive (I’ll be crossing my fingers that it’s not just in my head). I’m hoping that it’s true! Goodnight sweet baby! -XOX!

10/30/2012

Dear Baby B,
Today I asked the old Crazy 8 Ball if I could expect to be pregnant next month, it said YES! Then I asked it if you would be a girl, it responded without a doubt! I guess we will have to wait to see. I proceeded to ask it other questions, like will my parents (your grandparents) be excited? It told me it was not sure (ha, ha). I’m not sure how reliable the 8 ball is after that answer but I do hope its right about the others.

Yesterday, your Grandma told me a story about your Grandpa at Costco. Let me tell you; you are one lucky little baby to have a grandpa like my dad. He was the best dad in the world and I know he will love you more than anything. He’s already excited about you and he doesn’t even know that you’re a thought. He wants to buy you a kitchen with fake food to play with. I think it will be awhile before you play with toys but he is sure to spoil you. He would play kitchen with me for hours and eat all of the “peas” I cooked for him. –XOX!

11/2/2012

Dear Baby B,
Oh my goodness! It’s so much harder waiting for you than I expected. I’m driving your daddy crazy with my baby fever. I truly hope you will decide to come soon, its going to be such a blessing when you do. It feels a little strange to love someone who is only a thought but I know your spirit can hear me and you’re just waiting for the right moment. I think you’ll have a kind spirit full of love and laughter. I can feel that already. Please make this easy on your mommy and come soon! –XOX!

11/3/2012

Dear Baby B,
I think your Grampy has caught baby fever now too! We were talking about babies, just a normal conversation about when I decide to have one (Little does he know, I have been having fun trying already…It’s probably best we don’t remind him how you will be made). Well, you are a special baby like I told you because he already has a nickname for you if you are a girl, H2O, ‘O’ for short! He said since your last name will be Marsh and your first name Brookelynn your name would have everything to do with water and you should be called H2O. He also pretends that he cannot say Blake and keeps saying Blink. You will have to get used to his sense of humor, he has nicknames for all of us. –XOX!

11/7/2012

Dear Baby B,
Well, we are getting closer to finding out whether or not you decided to join us this month. I just wanted you to know though, even if you don’t I’ll still love you and will be waiting for your eagerly until you do decide to come. I can promise you that within me you will be safe and warm. I will do everything in my power to be the best mommy to you even before you’re born. I want you to know a little bit more about me by telling you my beliefs and views about life.
Life happens in a blink of an eye to be simply cliché. But, the story we write will last long after we are gone from this world (Always remember the footprints you leave behind). I like to think of my life as a portrait, one that began as a blank canvas and evolves as I do. It’s my life story and when it’s complete it will be a master piece for many to reflect upon its meaning. You will be a large part of my masterpiece. Today, it’s the start of something special as we plan for you.
My childhood was unbelievably flawless, a perfectly scripted fairytale. My dad was a firefighter (just like your daddy) and he taught me how a man should treat a woman. My mom stayed at home with my brother (your Unkie Jessie) and me and taught us the values of family and to help others (One of life’s greatest lessons). My parents provided me the world; some might say I was spoiled. We lived a modest life but I had something that money could never buy; parents that believed in me. I was taught to be brave, to stand up for what I believe in, and to follow the dreams that my heart desired. I was more than fortunate. Yes, I was spoiled, with love and affection. My childhood helped to shape me into he person I am today. I want you to experience life too and know its ok to fall because I will always be there to catch you before you hit the ground like my mother and father were.

Eight years ago I was starting college, I thought life would change and I would write my own perfectly scripted fairytale. Well, the thing is life does not work that way. And the definition of ‘perfect’ is your own. At the time, I was dating the love of my life (or so I thought), and life was fairly uncomplicated. If you asked me at 18 where my life would take me, I would have thought I’d be exactly where I was that crisp autumn day. Life had a different plan, however, a changed major, a few broken hearts, a thousand or so tears, a couple dozen unexpected events later, and I’m 26 and I found my perfect. It feels like I went to sleep and woke up in a place I never dreamed of in my childhood castle. Life changed my expectations, for the better and my portrait is more spectacular with its many flaws.

Baby B, I can’t sugar coat it, chasing your dreams is hard. But, when you reach that finish line it’s worth every Kleenex box you went through. The scares you gain from your journey of tripping and falling make you more interesting and they do fade away with each step forward. As we grow we realize that the stories our parents tell us are true. As they say, life does go on. You can’t give up when a door in slammed in your face. Wrong turns sometimes lead you to where you are supposed to be after all. And it is true; it probably won’t matter in a year. I wish I could tell my 18 year old self what I know today. But, I don’t regret the lack of knowledge I had then. If I had known what today would be like I would have never experienced yesterday. That would be far more devastating to my portrait than the flaws I gained along the way.

I bet you are wondering, so after all of this insight what exactly does this portrait look like? Well, it looks like me, your mother. Some may view a fair skinned girl with dark hair and striking chocolate eyes, as I described to you before. While others may see an artistic woman as they notice her bangs skim her lengthy eyelashes. The viewer may interrupt innocence as they speak of my delightfully cheerful dimples and smile. Whatever the interpretation may be of this life portrait, it most likely is not the intended message of the painter.

This is who I am; I do maintain those characteristics that others see on the surface of my portrait, but underneath those brush marks I am much more than what meets the eye. But, you are special because you are the only person who can read my painting the same way I do. You are the only person who will ever know my hearts whispers because you are the only person who has seen me from the inside. Please remember those thoughts and dreams even when you’re mad at me. My story may not seem ‘amazing’ to some but it’s amazing because I made you.
–XOX!

11/8/2012

Dear Baby B,
I haven’t told you much about one of the most important people in your life, your daddy. Your daddy is my very own Prince Charming. He rescued me from my fears and built me my very own castle. He has all of the characteristics of a real prince; he is handsome, funny, patient, loyal, and loving. Sometimes I really don’t think I deserve a man so special. I am so fortunate that your daddy is who he is, he will be there for you no matter what and he will always protect you and me. Your daddy believes in my dreams and I know he will believe in yours just the same.

Your daddy is so excited for you to join us and for my belly to grow; he has been waiting for mommy’s baby fever to kick in for a long time now. I’m so happy that it finally did, I had no idea how I would feel when the day came that we decided to have you. But, today I can tell you it is the most amazing feeling in the world. Both your daddy and I are so happy and I think we are even more in love than ever before. You brought us closer together.

So, you, daddy, and I make three, but there is still one more very important person in our little family, we are actually going to be a family of four. Miss Paisley Bella will be your older sibling and she will love you like crazy. Paisley is a spunky, sassy, and sophisticated dog who is our fur-baby. We love her so much and we are sure that you will too. I have already been teaching her about babies so she will be ready for you when you arrive. We are all excited for you to be here soon so hurry up and help us count to four really soon! –XOX!

11/13/2012

Dear Baby B,
My mind is so consumed with thoughts of you even while I dream. It is so hard to think of or do anything else. Every day I grow more certain that you’re within me. My body feels differently than before I dreamed of you. These thoughts may be in my head like your Daddy says or perhaps these early symptoms are just my body’s way of preparing me for you. No matter what the situation is every day that passes I am more certain that I have made the right decision to have you. I can feel how you belong with us and how you will help me to grow.

They say this Thursday I may be able to tell if you are here, growing inside me. It may be too early to tell still, but next week we should know for sure. I have been hoping and praying every day that two little lines pop up so I can be certain that its actually time to give up so many things, like coffee, wine, soft cheese, and seafood. I know it will be worth it, but geez-la-weez, I have been having cravings for all of those things the last few days and they don’t seem to have any intentions of going away. Oh and I am dying to know so I can put my letters up on the blog I created for you so our family and friends can follow or journey together.

I love you Baby B more than the whole wide world and back again! –XOX!

11/19/2012

Dear Baby B,
Well, 5 days ago I took the test that can predict pregnancy, 6 days before your missed period; it didn’t give me the response I was hoping for. Tomorrow, I’m going to take one final test for the month just to be sure it was not too soon; I am crossing everything that I can, hoping it says what I want it to. But, just know in the event that it doesn’t I’ll keep trying until it does.-XOX!

11/20/2012

Here’s to hoping we have better luck next month. –XOX!

11/22/2012

Dear Baby B,
Happy Thanksgiving. We have so much to be grateful for on this day of thanks. A loving family, good health, love, and above all you. I still don't know if you are in heaven or if your in mommy's tummy because even though the pregnancy test I took the other day was negative my visit from Auntie Flow never arrived (I'm 3 days late!). Though this could mean many things (especially since I just went off the pill last month) I am being optimistic and hoping that I am lucky enough to get to have you on the first try. Today I paused to feel my belly and for a moment I truly felt your presence. It's hard to say whether that feeling lies deeply within my tummy or within my heart either way I've learned the strength of a mother's love. They say I need to wait a few more days to take another test so there is still some waiting that must be done (patience has never been my strong suit but I'm learning). We love you Baby B and are thankful to be dreaming of such a precious gift. -XOX!

11/23/2012

Dear Baby B,
Today was disappointing because Aunt Flow decided to come for a visit (You'll learn about her in health class)! She was unwelcome but came anyway, which means you are not here yet. But, it's ok you'll be here soon enough. -XOX!

12/3/2012

Dear Baby B,
Well it’s that special time of the month where there is a little window of opportunity that we can make you sweet baby. I am very excited and hope that it will be the right timing so I can feel you; not in spirit but within me. I’ll be praying that you decide to join us here on earth this month. We are hoping to tell everyone on Christmas if you do decide to join us before then. But…no pressure. Love you B! –XOX!

12/13/2012

Dear Baby B,
It’s been 10 days since I last wrote to you. Nothing has changed (as of today) but I grow more sure every day that you will be with us soon (If not this month, maybe next). It’s very hard to keep you a secret because I’m so excited for you to come into our lives; I already love you so much.

I have started to feel different but I’m afraid to admit it because it very well could just be PMS (something women go through every month, it’s not very pleasant). Although there is one thing I’m experiencing that after exhausting hours of research could be a very hopeful sign that you are here (a Christmas miracle). I have been having pressure and movement of what seems like a muscle (down in the hoo-ha area…That’s what we call girl parts). But, I guess we will have to wait to see if it’s just my mind playing tricks on me (once again!). I also have this god awful taste in my moth that won’t go away and it reminds me of how it felt when I had braces ( I didn’t know that was an early pregnancy sign, but I guess it is. Oh and I have unbearable gas (I hope it doesn’t slip while I am at work!).

Baby B, wherever you are, near or far, I hope you know that I want you more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. –XOX!

12/16/2012

Dear Baby B,
Well…Baby B…or Aunt Flow you are taking over my body and making it feel as if its out of control. Most of what I felt the other day has gone away but now…bloating has set in, I can’t take a shit (Oh, geez, I better start watching my language), my boobs feel like they are growing by the minute and they feel incredibly heavy and physically look different (Maybe I should say…if any guys are reading please cover your eyes for the rest of this letter…I mean just don’t read it). I have insomnia but I’m exhausted. Oh and thank goodness for makeup because my chin is not looking too beautiful with these ginormous red bumps. I’m crying at the drop of a hat (I mean latterly…at jewelry commercials…seriously) I just feel overwhelmed with emotions. If this is what I have been avoiding by taking the pill then the moment sweet baby you are born Mommy will be back on that precious magical medication! I have never been so thankful for science.
I know this letter sounds awful and mean, even a but ungrateful for the miracle that could be inside me (which I think you really could be…I mean the timing of everything was perfect…but it’s not my decision…it’s God’s and you will come when you and he both decide it’s best. But I just can’t be happy about these changes until I know it’s not just Mother Nature’s BFF…Auntie Flow.

Oh Baby B…this is a big week, possibly you grand entrance. As I pee on a tiny little stick…please be the Christmas miracle I have been praying for. I already bought Grandma and Grandpa their special gift from you and it would be perfect timing to tell them all about you.
Baby B, I love you. I hope I can feel you here with us soon. Your daddy and I are so excited to see those two little lines pop up and reveal the news and we hope it’s this very special week. –XOX!

Ps. No matter the outcome and when you decide to join us you will be my Christmas miracle every year. You are what makes everything worth it’s time.